Liberation

May 10, 2010
Ok this has to be told some day. I left the band. The band might not even exist anymore. I’m not going to detail the drama here, or online for that matter, but the gist is that me and the drummer got into a huge fight and things got ugly. Yeah, shit happens.

I feel sad. I feel like shit, really. I’m going to miss the band. But strangely enough, I also feel liberated. I feel liberated from his childishness. I feel liberated from his lack of foresight. I feel liberated from his baseless assumptions. I feel liberated from his hypocrisy. Most importantly, I feel liberated from his lack of creativity, and his disapproval of our creativity. I feel liberated from him.

Somehow, I feel that I am finally allowed to explore my creativity, without the burden of his disapproval. I can finally explore the instruments and sounds that I could never have explored while being in the band. It feels as though the chains have been broken.

You see, that’s the irony. That was his pitch to me when I joined. It was also the band’s motto. “Break your chains of burdens and worries, and come take flight with us.” The motto that he himself is so proud of, but cannot remember half the time. Despite this motto, all I’ve felt was burdens and worries. Maybe the purpose of me joining the band was so that I can have a good feel of what it is like to be chained by burdens and worries, and to have the chains broken after.

No matter how much I have wanted to share my insanity and creativity and ideas with the band, I could never, and it seems like I will never be able to anymore. This is simply because he is not going to admit to his mistakes. He will never want to change. No matter how much I hope he will, it will never happen.

Take a step back, and give him a chance, you say? I have been doing so for as long as I was in the band. After awhile, I have realized that if I was always going to give in, he is not going to change anyway.

So what now? I don’t know. I’m going to wait for the bassist to come back to pour my sorrows to him. If he is willing to listen. After that, I’ll see where the wind of life will take my sails.

Life is all about suffering

March 3, 2010

Life is all about suffering.
We are all placed in this world to suffer.

No matter rich or poor
successful or a failure
you will still suffer.

Success and failure are just illusions to make you think that you are fighting for something
because without this illusion, you will all kill yourselves
and if you are all dead, it will defeat the purpose of putting you here to suffer in the first place.

For all you know, earth is hell.

So suffer well my friends
and let us hope we can all find out one day
the true reason behind this hell.

Existential crisis? Kinda, but not quite.

March 2, 2010

Not a single soul in life is without problems. Here’s mine:

I have a clear idea of what I want, and how to get there, but here I am doing all the wrong things and I’m not going anywhere, and I don’t know what to do about it.

So it’s not exactly that I have an existential crisis, but it’s close. I know what I exist for, but I’m not there yet, and I’m not even moving towards it. Well maybe I am, in some general direction sometimes, but that’s about it.

Lets cut the chase: I hate my job. I hate moping around at my job, stuck at my desk, waiting for time to pass, when this time could have been used to write the next best song in the world, or come up with the next best ear piercing effect, or just exploring music. I feel cooped up. Like a chicken.

About a year ago, I was getting angry and frustrated while sitting at home, but at least things are different now– I am angry and frustrated while sitting at my desk. Ha.

All that being said, without this job, I won’t have money for creative endeavors. It is such an irony, this thing called life.

What I need, and want, right now, is for a simple job that does not demand much of my time or brain, leaving me more time and energy for music. One that I can leave at any time. I’m fine with less money. I just want to get away from this fucking desk and not come back anymore.

I guess I just want to be responsible for myself, not for the work I do at a company. I want to spend my time building myself, building my life, building my future, building my creativity, building my music. Not building someone else’s thing, or building my IT chops. I don’t want my trail of history in life to state that I was best in class to solve computer problems. Fuck, no.

Every other guy that made it in music had a simple, dead-end, low-paying job before they made it. I am stuck here in a rather complex, future-proof, average-paying job, and I’m going nowhere. I don’t know if you can see this but, those guys made it because music was their life. Their job was nothing. If I carry on with what I’m doing right now, I am not going to make it cos my stinking job is going to be my life.

Not making it any easier is the fact that the stuff I want to get for the sake of musical exploration are not cheap. And that I want a holiday to relax and open my mind for creativity. My work pays for all these. Did I say life is ironic?

I totally do not feel like re-contracting come this May. But can I? Will I? Sigh. Fuck.

You know FML? I would love to start loserdad.com

February 17, 2010

And my first post would be something like this:

Today, my dad was a total prick towards me and my mom. He used to be an asshole 10 years ago, and turned nice when my mom threatened a divorce. Now, I’m 25 and we rent my maternal grandmother’s spare house. We can totally kick him out. LOSERDAD

Annoyed.

January 11, 2010

I am brimming with ideas, with things I want to do, things that will make life better and more interesting, but nobody is online to discuss them, or nobody is interested to discuss them.

That’s the problem with me. I am too reliant on team work. I am too firm a believer that team work is the only way one can be successful at doing something, or to get something done. BUT, I don’t have the patience. During idle periods, I will start to think that my ‘team’ is getting disinterested, and that they don’t have the same drive as me to succeed.

In the first place, maybe I am too reliant on others. Am I too lazy? Or do I have a mindset problem? Is it because I am believing that I need to rely on others to make up for my own flaws?

I can never imagine getting something done alone, by myself, on my own steam. I am actually afraid. Although logically it should be easier to succeed because I won’t need to be held back by the shortfalls of others. Even with this logic, I still can’t put myself to doing something alone. To follow through all the way, to fight for myself.

Then again it always seems more fulfilling to fight for ‘Us’ than to fight for ‘Me’. The comrade, the dreams, the hopes. Till the shit hits the fan, of course. Then it just becomes ‘Us’ fighting.

I hope this is just a passing phase.

Or maybe I’m just impatient.

But that does not answer my reliance on others.

EDIT: Found this, very interesting. A bunch of smart people discussing about how to deal with unreliable people. A discussion you won’t be able to find in Singapore. General consensus is to distance away from them. But there are also some thoughts on how to work with them. Food for thought indeed.

After much thinking, I realised all these was because I took things too seriously. I take everything too seriously. Maybe I need to loosen up a little (a lot).

Good things can only happen when one is having fun, not when everything’s grim and serious, right?

I’m the mother of all contradictions, I swear.

is quitting MSN.

December 28, 2009

EDITEDIT: Me and my fickle mind have decided that I should use my email address as my AIM screen name instead so that it is not so confusing, and so that people don’t think that I am showing off as a Mac user (well I do show off, but making people sign up to AIM so that I can slap them with my .Mac handle is way too much). Also, the yk.teng@mac.com email address goes nowhere, as my .Mac trial has ended eons ago. It is still better to have a handle where people can email me directly. Therefore, with immediate effect, my AIM handle is now my email address.

EDIT: AIM is actually more robust than GTalk from my testing. Therefore, I would recommend you contact me on AIM instead. You can sign up for an account and grab the client from www.aim.com. Mac users can just use iChat. AIM also has a web client. You can also log on to AIM from Gmail. My screen name is yk.teng@mac.com tengweikei@gmail.com.

From today, I will be disconnecting from MSN. Having to support a dated and backward messaging protocol on my Mac has been painful to say the least. I am (was) currently piping my MSN through a Jabber server just so I can connect to MSN with iChat, and this implementation was far from convenient. Not to mention the very hacky address I need to enter in my address book for meta contacts, like your_email%msn.com@jaim.at. Ugly? You bet.

Besides, the people I have on MSN either say retarded things, or are seldom online, or they simply do not reply. I do not see the point of me going through all the trouble for these people. Besides, the people I need to talk to are on GTalk AIM anyway. (they used both in case you are wondering)

So, if you have an urgent need to contact me, I am still available by most modern means, like GTalk AIM, Email, Facebook, Twitter and WhatsApp. Do NOT SMS me, unless you do not have an iPhone.

AIM/Email: tengweikei@gmail.com
AIM: yk.teng@mac.com
Facebook: facebook.com/yk.teng
Twitter: twitter.com/ykteng
WhatsApp: my phone number

Besides Twitter, the notifications of all of the above are pushed to me. Meaning, once you click send, I will get it less than 5 seconds. All other social rules apply.

Success? How?

December 16, 2009

I wonder, if it’s possible to be successful in life without being greedy. Greed, in essence, is wanting more. Therefore, isn’t it so that in the process of wanting more, you work towards it, and ultimately become successful?

Or is it such that success comes only when you least expect it? When you have no greed, no wants, no goal? If so, how does that all work out?

I can’t think of a better antonym to greed other than complacency.

Because when it’s when you stop yearning for anything, that you become complacent.

It is hard to believe that all the people out there that are successful in life are all complacent. But our culture and upbringing teaches us to never be greedy or ask for too much.

How to be successful like that? Confused much.

Don’t tell how exactly you got something awesome done, it becomes even more fantastic that way

December 1, 2009

When we come up with something (awesome), some (if not most) of us have a bad habit of shooting our mouths on how it was done. Realise that what you have done is suddenly not so fantastic and special anymore, especially if it was actually trivial to achieve. If you keep how you got it done a secret, the mystery magically makes what you have done even more fantastic than it actually is.

Of course you don’t just put yourself across as a snob, you can just skim the surface. Tell the person what he wants to hear.

Note: I have trouble doing this myself.

I can only deliver when I’m not expected to

December 1, 2009

Odd eh? But it’s true. When I’m not expected to deliver, I feel no restraint, and will put my best into whatever I’m trying to do, because I’m fighting for myself. To see how far I can push myself, without the stress of external expectations. It becomes a game, to see how ridiculously I can overdo something. And usually I surpass ‘expectations’ that I did not know about, which were in the minds of others but not told to me, usually by quite a bit.

On the other hand, when I am expected of something, I usually don’t, or can’t deliver. Firstly there’s the stress of the what-ifs. What if I fall below expectations? What if I fail? What if I don’t like to do it? And on top of that, when someone expects something from me, it is usually way beyond my capabilities, sometimes unknowing to them, and sometimes on purpose like my dad. Even if I do meet the expectation, the answer is almost always “Oh ok, thanks. Can you do this next?”

That being said, we’re all guilty of expecting things from others. Myself included. Reflecting about this, sometimes it’s because I don’t want to sit around waiting. Of course I do proceed on my own but in some instances, I can’t walk too far off or else I will be leaving the person behind already. It is also to point the person in the right direction, but who knows if the person has something great in mind that he is already brewing, and I totally came along and just stomped all over it?

How can a balance be struck in these situations? A worthy reflection indeed.

Self-praise is no praise, but that’s ok since Chinese cannot be praised anyway

November 28, 2009

You’ve heard the phrase “self-praise is no praise”. You’ve also heard that Chinese cannot be praised, or they will screw up.

Therefore, once you have done a really good job, you should quickly praise yourself before anyone else does, since nobody will (want to) praise you after you do so, preventing any negative effects of praise from occuring. And since self-praise is no praise, you won’t be inflicting the negative effects on yourself anyway.

So if you’ve ever wondered why successful Chinese are such self-praising snobs, now you know.

Let me know if this works for other races too.


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