Archive for March, 2010

Life is all about suffering

March 3, 2010

Life is all about suffering.
We are all placed in this world to suffer.

No matter rich or poor
successful or a failure
you will still suffer.

Success and failure are just illusions to make you think that you are fighting for something
because without this illusion, you will all kill yourselves
and if you are all dead, it will defeat the purpose of putting you here to suffer in the first place.

For all you know, earth is hell.

So suffer well my friends
and let us hope we can all find out one day
the true reason behind this hell.


Existential crisis? Kinda, but not quite.

March 2, 2010

Not a single soul in life is without problems. Here’s mine:

I have a clear idea of what I want, and how to get there, but here I am doing all the wrong things and I’m not going anywhere, and I don’t know what to do about it.

So it’s not exactly that I have an existential crisis, but it’s close. I know what I exist for, but I’m not there yet, and I’m not even moving towards it. Well maybe I am, in some general direction sometimes, but that’s about it.

Lets cut the chase: I hate my job. I hate moping around at my job, stuck at my desk, waiting for time to pass, when this time could have been used to write the next best song in the world, or come up with the next best ear piercing effect, or just exploring music. I feel cooped up. Like a chicken.

About a year ago, I was getting angry and frustrated while sitting at home, but at least things are different now– I am angry and frustrated while sitting at my desk. Ha.

All that being said, without this job, I won’t have money for creative endeavors. It is such an irony, this thing called life.

What I need, and want, right now, is for a simple job that does not demand much of my time or brain, leaving me more time and energy for music. One that I can leave at any time. I’m fine with less money. I just want to get away from this fucking desk and not come back anymore.

I guess I just want to be responsible for myself, not for the work I do at a company. I want to spend my time building myself, building my life, building my future, building my creativity, building my music. Not building someone else’s thing, or building my IT chops. I don’t want my trail of history in life to state that I was best in class to solve computer problems. Fuck, no.

Every other guy that made it in music had a simple, dead-end, low-paying job before they made it. I am stuck here in a rather complex, future-proof, average-paying job, and I’m going nowhere. I don’t know if you can see this but, those guys made it because music was their life. Their job was nothing. If I carry on with what I’m doing right now, I am not going to make it cos my stinking job is going to be my life.

Not making it any easier is the fact that the stuff I want to get for the sake of musical exploration are not cheap. And that I want a holiday to relax and open my mind for creativity. My work pays for all these. Did I say life is ironic?

I totally do not feel like re-contracting come this May. But can I? Will I? Sigh. Fuck.