Existential crisis? Kinda, but not quite.

Not a single soul in life is without problems. Here’s mine:

I have a clear idea of what I want, and how to get there, but here I am doing all the wrong things and I’m not going anywhere, and I don’t know what to do about it.

So it’s not exactly that I have an existential crisis, but it’s close. I know what I exist for, but I’m not there yet, and I’m not even moving towards it. Well maybe I am, in some general direction sometimes, but that’s about it.

Lets cut the chase: I hate my job. I hate moping around at my job, stuck at my desk, waiting for time to pass, when this time could have been used to write the next best song in the world, or come up with the next best ear piercing effect, or just exploring music. I feel cooped up. Like a chicken.

About a year ago, I was getting angry and frustrated while sitting at home, but at least things are different now– I am angry and frustrated while sitting at my desk. Ha.

All that being said, without this job, I won’t have money for creative endeavors. It is such an irony, this thing called life.

What I need, and want, right now, is for a simple job that does not demand much of my time or brain, leaving me more time and energy for music. One that I can leave at any time. I’m fine with less money. I just want to get away from this fucking desk and not come back anymore.

I guess I just want to be responsible for myself, not for the work I do at a company. I want to spend my time building myself, building my life, building my future, building my creativity, building my music. Not building someone else’s thing, or building my IT chops. I don’t want my trail of history in life to state that I was best in class to solve computer problems. Fuck, no.

Every other guy that made it in music had a simple, dead-end, low-paying job before they made it. I am stuck here in a rather complex, future-proof, average-paying job, and I’m going nowhere. I don’t know if you can see this but, those guys made it because music was their life. Their job was nothing. If I carry on with what I’m doing right now, I am not going to make it cos my stinking job is going to be my life.

Not making it any easier is the fact that the stuff I want to get for the sake of musical exploration are not cheap. And that I want a holiday to relax and open my mind for creativity. My work pays for all these. Did I say life is ironic?

I totally do not feel like re-contracting come this May. But can I? Will I? Sigh. Fuck.

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4 Responses to “Existential crisis? Kinda, but not quite.”

  1. Jason Says:

    who do you feel most passionate about yk?
    other than yourself.
    and i mean a group of people, for example “young people. old folks, students, etc”.
    what do you want your music to do?
    other than just sound nice.
    how do you see your music helping people? making a difference?

    Of course, we will also eventually come to a stage where we will have to think about the people who love us, and how we can be responsible to them and support them, both emotionally and financially etc. Family, loved ones, spouses.
    these are real issues that fortunately we have to face, because the scary thing is that sometimes we can get so caught up in our dreams and ideas that we miss out the very truly important things around us.
    this is what happens to some people who spend their whole lives working hard towards their dreams and goals, they end up missing out on people around them who love them, and they never truly are happy in the end.

    personally, our lives are not about the things we do, but the people we do them for. our lives are here to make a difference in others. and we do it through out talents and gifts.
    let us not miss that out in our agenda.

    take time to think through about this.
    no need to rush yk.

    and, if you hate your job, leave it.
    there are many opportunities out there.
    start looking.

    music is your gift.
    people should be your passion.

  2. Jason Says:

    then again, don’t ask yourself what this world needs.
    instead ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that,
    cos what this world needs is people who have come alive.

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