Archive for the ‘Ramblings’ Category

Liberation

May 10, 2010
Ok this has to be told some day. I left the band. The band might not even exist anymore. I’m not going to detail the drama here, or online for that matter, but the gist is that me and the drummer got into a huge fight and things got ugly. Yeah, shit happens.

I feel sad. I feel like shit, really. I’m going to miss the band. But strangely enough, I also feel liberated. I feel liberated from his childishness. I feel liberated from his lack of foresight. I feel liberated from his baseless assumptions. I feel liberated from his hypocrisy. Most importantly, I feel liberated from his lack of creativity, and his disapproval of our creativity. I feel liberated from him.

Somehow, I feel that I am finally allowed to explore my creativity, without the burden of his disapproval. I can finally explore the instruments and sounds that I could never have explored while being in the band. It feels as though the chains have been broken.

You see, that’s the irony. That was his pitch to me when I joined. It was also the band’s motto. “Break your chains of burdens and worries, and come take flight with us.” The motto that he himself is so proud of, but cannot remember half the time. Despite this motto, all I’ve felt was burdens and worries. Maybe the purpose of me joining the band was so that I can have a good feel of what it is like to be chained by burdens and worries, and to have the chains broken after.

No matter how much I have wanted to share my insanity and creativity and ideas with the band, I could never, and it seems like I will never be able to anymore. This is simply because he is not going to admit to his mistakes. He will never want to change. No matter how much I hope he will, it will never happen.

Take a step back, and give him a chance, you say? I have been doing so for as long as I was in the band. After awhile, I have realized that if I was always going to give in, he is not going to change anyway.

So what now? I don’t know. I’m going to wait for the bassist to come back to pour my sorrows to him. If he is willing to listen. After that, I’ll see where the wind of life will take my sails.

Advertisements

Life is all about suffering

March 3, 2010

Life is all about suffering.
We are all placed in this world to suffer.

No matter rich or poor
successful or a failure
you will still suffer.

Success and failure are just illusions to make you think that you are fighting for something
because without this illusion, you will all kill yourselves
and if you are all dead, it will defeat the purpose of putting you here to suffer in the first place.

For all you know, earth is hell.

So suffer well my friends
and let us hope we can all find out one day
the true reason behind this hell.

Existential crisis? Kinda, but not quite.

March 2, 2010

Not a single soul in life is without problems. Here’s mine:

I have a clear idea of what I want, and how to get there, but here I am doing all the wrong things and I’m not going anywhere, and I don’t know what to do about it.

So it’s not exactly that I have an existential crisis, but it’s close. I know what I exist for, but I’m not there yet, and I’m not even moving towards it. Well maybe I am, in some general direction sometimes, but that’s about it.

Lets cut the chase: I hate my job. I hate moping around at my job, stuck at my desk, waiting for time to pass, when this time could have been used to write the next best song in the world, or come up with the next best ear piercing effect, or just exploring music. I feel cooped up. Like a chicken.

About a year ago, I was getting angry and frustrated while sitting at home, but at least things are different now– I am angry and frustrated while sitting at my desk. Ha.

All that being said, without this job, I won’t have money for creative endeavors. It is such an irony, this thing called life.

What I need, and want, right now, is for a simple job that does not demand much of my time or brain, leaving me more time and energy for music. One that I can leave at any time. I’m fine with less money. I just want to get away from this fucking desk and not come back anymore.

I guess I just want to be responsible for myself, not for the work I do at a company. I want to spend my time building myself, building my life, building my future, building my creativity, building my music. Not building someone else’s thing, or building my IT chops. I don’t want my trail of history in life to state that I was best in class to solve computer problems. Fuck, no.

Every other guy that made it in music had a simple, dead-end, low-paying job before they made it. I am stuck here in a rather complex, future-proof, average-paying job, and I’m going nowhere. I don’t know if you can see this but, those guys made it because music was their life. Their job was nothing. If I carry on with what I’m doing right now, I am not going to make it cos my stinking job is going to be my life.

Not making it any easier is the fact that the stuff I want to get for the sake of musical exploration are not cheap. And that I want a holiday to relax and open my mind for creativity. My work pays for all these. Did I say life is ironic?

I totally do not feel like re-contracting come this May. But can I? Will I? Sigh. Fuck.

Annoyed.

January 11, 2010

I am brimming with ideas, with things I want to do, things that will make life better and more interesting, but nobody is online to discuss them, or nobody is interested to discuss them.

That’s the problem with me. I am too reliant on team work. I am too firm a believer that team work is the only way one can be successful at doing something, or to get something done. BUT, I don’t have the patience. During idle periods, I will start to think that my ‘team’ is getting disinterested, and that they don’t have the same drive as me to succeed.

In the first place, maybe I am too reliant on others. Am I too lazy? Or do I have a mindset problem? Is it because I am believing that I need to rely on others to make up for my own flaws?

I can never imagine getting something done alone, by myself, on my own steam. I am actually afraid. Although logically it should be easier to succeed because I won’t need to be held back by the shortfalls of others. Even with this logic, I still can’t put myself to doing something alone. To follow through all the way, to fight for myself.

Then again it always seems more fulfilling to fight for ‘Us’ than to fight for ‘Me’. The comrade, the dreams, the hopes. Till the shit hits the fan, of course. Then it just becomes ‘Us’ fighting.

I hope this is just a passing phase.

Or maybe I’m just impatient.

But that does not answer my reliance on others.

EDIT: Found this, very interesting. A bunch of smart people discussing about how to deal with unreliable people. A discussion you won’t be able to find in Singapore. General consensus is to distance away from them. But there are also some thoughts on how to work with them. Food for thought indeed.

After much thinking, I realised all these was because I took things too seriously. I take everything too seriously. Maybe I need to loosen up a little (a lot).

Good things can only happen when one is having fun, not when everything’s grim and serious, right?

I’m the mother of all contradictions, I swear.

Success? How?

December 16, 2009

I wonder, if it’s possible to be successful in life without being greedy. Greed, in essence, is wanting more. Therefore, isn’t it so that in the process of wanting more, you work towards it, and ultimately become successful?

Or is it such that success comes only when you least expect it? When you have no greed, no wants, no goal? If so, how does that all work out?

I can’t think of a better antonym to greed other than complacency.

Because when it’s when you stop yearning for anything, that you become complacent.

It is hard to believe that all the people out there that are successful in life are all complacent. But our culture and upbringing teaches us to never be greedy or ask for too much.

How to be successful like that? Confused much.

I can only deliver when I’m not expected to

December 1, 2009

Odd eh? But it’s true. When I’m not expected to deliver, I feel no restraint, and will put my best into whatever I’m trying to do, because I’m fighting for myself. To see how far I can push myself, without the stress of external expectations. It becomes a game, to see how ridiculously I can overdo something. And usually I surpass ‘expectations’ that I did not know about, which were in the minds of others but not told to me, usually by quite a bit.

On the other hand, when I am expected of something, I usually don’t, or can’t deliver. Firstly there’s the stress of the what-ifs. What if I fall below expectations? What if I fail? What if I don’t like to do it? And on top of that, when someone expects something from me, it is usually way beyond my capabilities, sometimes unknowing to them, and sometimes on purpose like my dad. Even if I do meet the expectation, the answer is almost always “Oh ok, thanks. Can you do this next?”

That being said, we’re all guilty of expecting things from others. Myself included. Reflecting about this, sometimes it’s because I don’t want to sit around waiting. Of course I do proceed on my own but in some instances, I can’t walk too far off or else I will be leaving the person behind already. It is also to point the person in the right direction, but who knows if the person has something great in mind that he is already brewing, and I totally came along and just stomped all over it?

How can a balance be struck in these situations? A worthy reflection indeed.

Blessing in disguise?

November 19, 2009

To bring everyone up to speed, I got re-deployed to Marine Parade Library as a permanent fixture. I used to be roving around the libraries providing IT support. I had a complaint post about it before, but now I think it is a blessing in disguise.

I liked roving, I get to move around, meet people, and time passed faster. It was fun. Maybe too fun.

I got comfortable with it; I woke up, zoomed through the day, reached home tired, read my RSS and Facebook feeds and went to sleep. Repeated the same thing again, till the weekend came and went.

Yes it is great to have a job like that, and it pays the bills, but now I realise, it took away my drive to want greater things in life. I barely practiced on my guitar, and I did not think much about my future. I had this thought, however bad, that my band will take off someday, and meanwhile I can just zoom through the days and earn money. That wasn’t a very good mindset.

Now that I am at Marine Parade, my day CRAWLS. I finish reading my RSS and Facebook feeds at work. I am sick and tired of this job. I have so much time my mind runs. And that, is a good thing.

I started wanting my dream again, being a musician and all. And wanting it BADLY. How much I want to get the fuck out of here, write songs and play gigs every day. When I am home, I play my guitar much more, because I know that I need to get better, and I want to get better, so my band and I can break out of this mundane life and do what we really want to do. I have been doing recordings at home, be it to expand on the ideas my band leader comes up with so he can expand on them even further, or tearing songs apart and analysing how he can sing it better, or just simply trying to nail the mistakes I always make in the songs we already play. It also helps with learning how to work with a DAW, although I’m using a super stripped down one (GarageBand). Having read through all my feeds help a lot, as there is no more distraction.

Now to clarify, I don’t prioritise reading over the guitar. It’s just a very bad addiction. This change in my life helped me ‘solve’ the addiction by shifting it to another time slot. Not too shabby. It’s still good to be well read anyway.

Sometimes I wonder if the people in control of my work life actually planned for this, or was it unexpected for them as well. They do know I am into music, to a certain extent. Silly conspiracy theories I always come up with, sheesh.

Yes, what are we fighting for?

October 15, 2009

i’ve forgotten what i’m fighting for.

This post by Jason struck a chord with me, and I realised I was in a similar predicament as he is in, although for a much shorter period time.

I’ve been hard at work, as most of you would know (from my lack of blog posts, hopefully), and I’ve been enjoying it so far. Until yesterday..

Maybe I work too hard, maybe I overshadow my RO (reporting officer), maybe I seem like a threat to him. But after what he said to me yesterday, it really made me think: why do I work so hard?

Just to summarise, I might be posted to a faraway place that I do not need to move around much, handling a bunch of potentially troublesome people. YK, always up for a challenge, shouldn’t be a problem right? Yeah, but it’s the reason behind it that is disturbing.

Alright, the general reason is my friend and colleague there isn’t performing too good, and I’m to swap positions with him, but the main reason why I was going there, was not only to keep my colleague in the team, but to also utilise my ‘fullest potential‘ over there. I don’t see any potential there, honestly, except the potential for work to snowball and kill myself the same way it has killed my colleague.

Recently I took on a project, “just spent 3 days designing and writing a shortcut that’ll complete a task in 1.5hrs“, remember? RO didn’t express displeasure directly, but he seems to be unhappy with the extra work that I put in. After all, it was his baby, and I came in and bwahaha overhauled everything. He kept mentioning things like: “you’re doing more than you’re expected to” and “you can make this faraway place your own playground”. To me, it really sounded like “hey don’t touch my things, go make your own”

And he said things like “don’t ask for perm before performing” and “do the tasks you are assigned first”, of course in direct contradiction to what he said earlier that I am over-performing. And to set things straight, I didn’t ask to be converted, I just asked whether I could be converted (perm = permanent staff, I am on contract) because the both of us were into minis and we were figuring out how we could afford them.

But anyway, I guess Jem was right after all. Why the fuck do I try so hard, srsly.

Fuck this shit, just give me my beer and my guitar.

Oh no.

August 28, 2009

I was categorising my posts just now, and I realised most of my posts fall under geek. This is bad.

I need to talk about more human things..

Or I can just port all the Geek posts over to the new tech blog! Oh well win-win.

I have totally no idea what to write about

August 24, 2009

Yes. There I’ve said it. I have a new blog (whoopee) and I have nothing to write about. It’s either I’m not well trained (unlike our dear Geoff) or the interface just totally isn’t conducive.

I do tho, have random things in my head that don’t deserve to have a post on it’s own. So I guess I’ll just clusterfuck everything together now.

Beejive
Most awesome IM client EVER on any mobile device. If Messaging.app (previously SMS.app) is the best SMS program on any mobile device, Beejive would be so for IM.

Why? Maybe because the interface is totally like SMS.app. Maybe because it supports Meta contacts like Adium, so people on my IM show up as real people with real names. Maybe because it just works.

9.99USD putting you off? Why pay for an IM app when there are free ones? Well, why pay for an iPhone when you can get $0 phones? You pay peanuts and you get monkeys. Beejive is worth every dollar. In fact its push service is so stable I actually feel bad that I’m only paying them 10 bucks for life.

Wanna get it via appulous? Well go ahead, try the app for 2 weeks before they lock you out. Then you have to buy it, AND email them with your UUID, AND wait for them to pat you on the head for not stealing. 15SGD isn’t a lot of money. A beer costs $15.

Chrome
It’s pretty damn good you know? Not on the Mac, I would (obviously) stick to Safari, but on the pc it lets me feel sorta 1/2 way home. Since most of my life is synced with Google anyway, running Google Calendar and Gmail off Gears as web-apps seemed like the most natural thing to do. It’s nowhere near iCal and Mail.app, but 1/2 way is pretty damn good for me in this ugly world filled with start buttons. Anyway, for webkit based browsers in winblows, Gears only works on Chrome.

It is also light and fast enough to run off my thumbdrive, not like Firefox. Firefox takes like a year to start of my thumbdrive. Chrome is snappy. Bloody snappy. Just like Safari.

Google Calendars
It has  caldav support if you don’t know, so syncing events over the air on the iPhone is totally possible. And it follows your calendar colour unlike the Exchange method, which is totally good for me. I hate UI discrepancies. Why do I need this? It’s just easier to create/edit events on iCal and Google Cal than on the phone, and when I open the calendar app on the iPhone, everything will be there.

Twitterrific
Awesome app on the Mac, even more awesome on the iPhone. For once I actually wished the Mac version had the features of the iPhone version. Yes the iPhone version has more features. Don’t believe? Go try it out. Its ads are not intrusive as well.

Cbox
I can’t bloody put a chatbox on WP. WHY WHY WHY D: